Since I got sick with the Flu a couple of months ago, and then sort-of healed, and then got sick again with some other strand of Ebola, and then sort-of made it through Thanksgiving, and then sort-of healed again, all the while playing a game of Battleship with the Sciatica in my back (not to mention the regularly scheduled illness crap): I still haven’t fully recovered.  My body is, in theory, mostly where it needs to be.  My brain and my energy levels are not.  It has taken a huge emotional toll on me, and therefore every part of me is exhausted of any and all resources.

I’m so physically, mentally and emotionally drained right now that I’ve been pretty unresponsive to doing anything.  Which is nothing like me.  I’m always proactive, organized, full of energy, ready for anything, up for everything, and adamant about putting everyone first before me.  I take care of my responsibilities.  I take care of the people around me.  I take care of my strict illness regimen.  I’m used to taking on life at full force.

But right now I kind-of don’t care.  I’m not being active in any way, shape or form because of my back.  I’m trying to not overexert myself so I don’t relapse into another sickness.  I’m spending more of my free time sleeping instead of being a productive member of society.  I feel tired ALL THE TIME.  So all I really want to do is go back to sleep except I’m sick of lying around.  But the moment I come up with something productive to accomplish, the thought of getting up to attack it is too tiring to bear so I find something else to occupy my brain that doesn’t require doing anything.

I know.  I sound pathetic.  I feel pathetic.

Yesterday I just so happened to have an appointment with my Psychiatrist, so I filled her in on my current state of “MEH.”  We talked about it.  We talked about me.  And then we braided each other’s hair and ate cookie dough while my Psychiatrist proceeded to tell me that where I’m having some in and out moments of depression, I’m not depressed.  And basically it’s as simple as: my body has been through a  lot.  I haven’t caught a break in a few months.  So my body is just really, REALLY fucking tired.  And battling my body every day has made me really, REALLY fucking tired.  And everything I’ve been doing with the not doing of anything?  Is what I should be doing and as I keep feeling better bit by tiny bit, I can increase my activity levels and moods will improve and then I can take over the world.  Or something.

Until then, I’m struggling just to keep my attention focused on getting any single task accomplished (like answering a phone, or putting some laundry away, or shaving my legs.  These are difficult, tricky tasks, people).  My spirit is trying so hard to come up and I’m trying desperately to come up with it as my body lags behind me.  I swear I’m still alive and I haven’t completely turned to the dark side (although I hear they have cookies over there), but I am a little scattered right now and until my body starts getting back on track I’m gonna be struggling.  I guess in a way that’s my disclaimer for my “MEH” state.  So there you have it, Internet.  I’m way off right now but I’ll get back to me soon enough.  And when I do get back, I promise to bring lots of fun-ness and maybe even some confetti and pony rides.  Only the best for you.

XOXO

When most college students are stressing over how to put themselves through school or (after the fact) pay off their college loans, I was dropping tens of thousands of dollars on medical bills.  After three-and-a-half years of extensive medical testing, on top of about five trips to the ER per year (and a couple more years for good measure), I paid off the last of my medical debt.  Most people upon such a feat have something to show for years of responsible budgeting like a diploma or a car.  I got a diagnosis.

Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome has no cure, so I’ll be spending the rest of my life managing the symptoms, managing my lifestyle to prevent the symptoms, and treating the affects the illness has on my body.  Even after finally getting a diagnosis, it took me many more years to assemble a team of doctors capable of keeping up with what my body goes through on a daily basis.  Now that they’re assembled I have to see them fairly regularly to keep my body functioning.  Or at the very least, keep my body functioning from a pain free point of view.  I keep myself functioning on my own pretty damn well, but it comes with daily aches and pains.  If I want to live a life without those aches and pains, I have to stick to a strict regimen of weekly appointments with a Chiropractor and Acupuncturist.  As well as monthly appointments with a Psychiatrist and regular check-ups with my GP (this does not include check-ups with my Gastroenterologist, trips to the Dentist or exams and contacts from my Ophthalmologist).

I have incredible health insurance coverage which is a major blessing.  But even so, the regularity of my appointments coupled with the fact that some of these doctors aren’t covered by insurance is causing the medical costs to add up again.  And this time rather rapidly.  I’d finally gotten to a point in my life where I wasn’t spending every penny I owned on living and I was able to start saving again.  But now.  Now I’m having to dip into my savings to pay for an 85% pain free lifestyle and I’m wondering if it’s worth it.  I’m running out of money and I’m stressed about my own personal finances again in a way I haven’t been since college.  Stress is an aggravator of my illness.  So here I am in this vicious cycle of, yeah, where I’ve been experiencing far less pain and discomfort than what I’ve been through in the last nine years, I’m also creating a constant stress that deeply impacts my body’s overall well being.  So is it really worth it?

What would you do?  Would you spend $520 and nine hours every month to live in a relatively pain free existence?  Or would you rock out your management on your own as you’ve been doing for years and actually spare yourself a lot of stress and financial loss, albeit with the daily aches and pains?  And if your answer happens to be in favor of the former, would you like to give me a job that makes me a shit-ton of money?  Thatbegreatthanks.